Friends, today we want to talk about virtue and how virtue can help us be successful in our homeschooling adventure. So the first question is “What is virtue?”
Virtue is a habit that makes the possessor good and his work what it ought to be. It perfects the possessor. When I talk about virtue in my Learning Support classes for Mother of Divine Grace School, I always start by asking the students what makes a knife a good knife. What do you think? They tell me a knife is good when it cuts well, that is, when it does well what it is made to do. This helps them see what makes a man good. As in the case of the knife, a man is good when he acts well according to his nature, especially in terms of his will. So then in a man, virtue might be defined as the habit of choosing well. We want to consider today what helps our children, and ourselves, choose well. First, we need to consider how important the parental role in this effort is.
About 35 years ago, I was teaching an 8th grade CCD class. We were discussing the early martyrs, and I praised the courage and perseverance of these faithful men and women. One of the boys in my class was clearly aghast. He finally raised his hand and spoke his mind. He said, “Mrs. Berquist, God would not approve of what those martyrs did.” “Really?!” “God loves us and wants us to be happy.” I replied that I thought the martyrs were happy, that they were certainly happier giving up their lives for Christ than they would have been had they denied Him. The student thought about that for awhile, and then said, “Mrs. Berquist, I think religion is o.k. as long as it doesn’t interfere with your life.” I suggested that religion is life, but I don’t think he bought it. Nonetheless that conversation was important for me, because it became clear to me, and has stayed clear, that my job is to form my own children in such a way that they will see that religion is life. That is our goal as parents; if we succeed, we will form those who will be lights of truth in the world.
Our Role as Parents
The early formation of our children is entrusted to us, their parents. The Church has always taught that parents are the primary educators of their own children. This is true for those first years, the pre-school years, but it continues to be true for all of childhood. And it is true no matter what venue we choose for the children’s education. One of the reasons I homeschooled is because I thought it was an easier way, all things considered, to form my children.
In the New Catechism, the Church teaches, “‘The role of parents in education is of such importance that it is almost impossible to provide an adequate substitute.’ The right and the duty of parents to educate their children (is) primordial and inalienable... Showing themselves obedient to the will of the Father in heaven, (parents) educate their children to fulfill God’s law.”
This teaching of the Church applies both to the content of the faith, which is the light under which all other knowledge is taught, and to the moral formation of our children. Our duty as parents, as it is laid out in the encyclical “On the Christian Education of Youth” by Pius the XI, “consists essentially in preparing man for what he must be and for what he must do here below, in order to attain the sublime end for which he was created. It is clear that there can be no true education which is not wholly directed to man’s last end, and that in the present order of Providence, since God has revealed Himself to us in the Person of His only Begotten Son, who alone is ‘the Way, the Truth and the Life,’ there can be no ideally perfect education which is not Christian education.”
Our Lord wants us all to be the leaven in the dough of society. But He wants us to do this when we are properly prepared. Our job as parents is to prepare our children to be ready for the service to which God will call them. For the Catholic, this is the first end to which character formation is directed. Ultimately, good character formation will lead to heaven, where we will see God face to face in the beatific vision.
Character is “who we are” at the deepest level--the core of our being. It is the pattern of habits that a person cultivates and lives by, which reveals his deepest principles and values. In the Nicomachean Ethics, Aristotle calls the character, or habitual formation of a man, his ‘second nature’. He does this because that formation becomes so closely united to the soul that it is as though it were the nature with which one began life.
Colloquially speaking, character is how a person acts when there is no one around to pass judgment. This formation can’t be separated from the person; it is not a facade intended to deceive or impress others. A person with good character formation habitually strives to live a good life, while a person with bad formation is dominated by vice.
It is worth noting in passing that the phrase, “dominated by vice”, is more profound than it might at first appear. Those who think that good character formation is simply a restraint of the natural propensities, that it involves a series of "don’t’s”, that it is really repression, should reflect on the reality of the situation for a bit.
When I first read the Gorgias by Plato, I was struck by the argument that when one is a vicious man, that is, a man of bad character, one is led by the passions. Such a person is not in control of his life; he does not determine his actions in the light of the goals he wishes to achieve. “I do whatever I feel like doing” is really the cry of someone who does not rule or direct his life, but rather follows his ‘passing fancy’. He is subject to the inclinations of his passions, and is thus a slave.
Such a person is not happy, not finally. He is not a free man, capable of directing his own life or the life of others. I learned that in college as a theoretical proposition, and I did have enough experience even at that point to have a sense that it was the truth, but as an adult watching numerous families with many children, I see really clearly that happy children (of whom I know many), and indeed, happy people (of whom I also know many), are those who live by the rule of reason informed by grace. They are not subject to their passions; rather they control the passions, so that their feelings become a help to the virtuous life, rather than a hindrance.
These children are not perfect from the beginning of their lives. Even after having achieved a certain modicum of virtue, there are still occasions where they fall, as do we all. But once one realizes that this is the direction in which happiness lies, and acknowledges that it will take a long time, indeed a lifetime, to reach the goal, then one has a clear vision of the task ahead.
Classical Education: A Help in Developing Virtue
Now, how is character development related to homeschooling? I like to talk about Classical Education, and, though at first glance it might not seem so, there is a very strong connection between Classical Education and virtue. One definition of Classical Education, in fact, is this: Classical Education is the cultivation of wisdom and virtue by nourishing the soul on truth, goodness and beauty, so that, in Christ, the student is better able to know, glorify and enjoy God. That definition is predicated on the final cause, rather than the material cause. It doesn’t tell you what subjects to study in a classical education, but it does tell you what the goal of classical education is.
People who are in the tradition of classical education speak of it that way, that is, of being “in the tradition”. The tradition they are usually talking about is the tradition of Aristotle and St. Thomas. In this tradition, education is understood to be of a certain sort and to have various parts which have an order among themselves. In the commentary on Boethius’ De Trinitate, St. Thomas speaks very clearly of this order:
“The seven liberal arts do not adequately divide theoretical philosophy; but, as Hugh of St. Victor says, seven arts are grouped together…. Because those who wanted to learn philosophy were first instructed in them. And the reason why they are divided into the trivium and the quadrivium is that ‘they are as it were paths (viae) introducing the lively mind to the secrets of philosophy.’”
Further on, St. Thomas says,
“We divide philosophy with respect to the final end or happiness, to which the whole of human life is directed. For, as Augustine says, following Varro, ‘There is no other reason for a man philosophizing except to be happy.’”
Now, the happiness of man has to do with the contemplation of the highest things, for, as St. Thomas goes on to say in the commentary, “divine science [theology] is by nature the first of all the sciences,” that is, all the sciences, and indeed, the whole of one’s life, are ordered to it. But it is important to see that the achievement of the end involves not only the intellect, but the will. The moral virtues support the intellectual virtues, in many ways, but one clear way is that one must be disciplined and temperate to persevere in the pursuit of the true. It’s not easy. It may not be hard in the way digging ditches is hard, but it has its own difficulties.
The Place of Moral Virtue in Education
So which virtues are important in education? As I said earlier, a virtue is a good habit, but such habits are of two kinds. There are the intellectual virtues, which rectify the mind with respect to the truth, and are usually acquired by instruction and study, and the moral virtues, which are habits of choosing rightly, and are acquired by repeated right actions. Moral virtue, though, is what we are concerned about right now. Moral virtues, like self-discipline, temperance, docility, perseverance, obedience, faith and trust, compassion, friendship, courage, loyalty, responsibility, and honesty are all needed by those who pursue the intellectual life.
In my experience the first virtue to try to attain, the central underpinning of all further character formation, is obedience. I live in a homeschooling community, I homeschooled myself for about 25 years, and I have worked with hundreds of homeschooling families. I have seen over and over again that those who are successful at homeschooling are those whose children are obedient, and who are themselves disciplined. I say this with some trepidation, because I know I am not the best role model in this area myself, but it is nonetheless true that obedience is a key in homeschooling.
Obedience is not the only virtue, but it is central, central not only to our life as homeschoolers but central to the teaching of the other virtues. Aristotle, in the Nicomachean Ethics, teaches that prudence is the cardinal virtue. It is prudence that makes it possible to do the right thing in the right place at the right time. An action that is courageous in one instance may be rash or foolish in another, because the time and place are not right. Prudence puts the actions in the right order.
Children are not capable of prudence. Of the virtues, prudence most of all requires experience. To know that now is the time to speak up, and now is the time to keep silent, is something one learns by doing and observing. To be able to determine that in this case the virtuous action is to stay home and work on a project, but in that case the virtuous action is to leave the project and go to the talk, requires experience and reflection on that experience. Children don’t have experience. But their parents do.
For children, obedience takes the place of prudence and that is why it is so central to their training. By obedience, children participate in the prudence of their parents. It is not too surprising that obedience should be central to the virtuous life. After all, the principal action of all time, Christ’s sacrifice on the Cross, was an act of obedience. “Not my will, but thine, be done,” was Christ’s prayer in the garden.
Now, though in children obedience is necessary to the life of virtue, the goal of character formation is to achieve a certain habit of life, which in an adult doesn’t continue to require obedience to one’s parents. (Though obedience to proper authority remains a gift in our lives, and if we’re smart, we will always listen to the wisdom of our parents.) The virtue of obedience opens the door to the other virtues, and to the acquisition of prudence, which will allow the child, when he becomes an adult, to perfect the virtuous life begun in our homes.
Since character matures at age 35 or so, children must complete the process of character formation on their own (that is, without us, though never without God); our part in the process is at the beginning, building the foundation on which the structure of the virtuous life will be built.
Honesty is another moral virtue which is essential to the intellectual life. One has to care more about the truth than about oneself. One can’t be thinking about how stupid he looks if he makes a mistake. In fact, we should all rejoice in mistakes, because seeing that you have made a mistake means you now know something true that you didn’t before
I think those two virtues are the first to think about and work on, but there are others. I have here a list from David Isaacs’ book, Character Building. It is composed of a suggested sequence of virtues to cultivate at each age. You’ll notice he starts with obedience, and you will also notice that there is a kind of analogy between the stages of intellectual development and character development.
In the earliest years, four to seven, Mr. Isaacs suggests obedience, sincerity, and order. Those seem to me to be like the first tools of learning. Without them you can’t get anywhere. In the eight to twelve-year-old range, Mr. Isaacs concentrates on the virtues that in some particular way strengthen the character, like memory and imagination strengthen the imagination. In fact, it takes these very virtues to memorize and observe closely. If you haven’t got patience and perseverance you’ll never see what there is to see, or retain all those catechism questions. You also have to cultivate responsibility in doing memory work every day, or you won’t achieve the goal.
In the following section, the thirteen to fifteen-year-old is encouraged to work on virtues that help him deal rightly with the logical argument in which he is now interested. For those of you who have children this age, it will be clear that such children develop an interest in arguing, in what they regard as rational proof for positions, and application of principles. Many parents have found that their docile, sweet, compliant young child suddenly develops a challenging mode in his adolescence. What we need to do with this intellectually or academically is channel the interest, but in terms of the virtues we need to encourage moderation, respect, simplicity, and modesty in the broad and narrow sense. (This means that our children need to be taught the difference between the public and the private.)
And lastly, the child in the rhetorical stage, the tenth through twelfth grade student, needs to work on the virtues which help him articulate arguments elegantly and persuasively, in the service of the truly noble.
Another quick and easy reference list of virtues, though not arranged chronologically, is found in the unit headings in Bill Bennett’s Book of Virtues.
A third resource is a delightful book by Monica Speach called Program for Achieving Character Education or PACE, which uses both the Book of Virtues and Mr. Bennet’s other moral work, The Moral Compass. This last book was originally written by Mrs. Speach for use in a Catholic school, but it is easily adapted to our homeschools, and I highly recommend it. There are ten virtues presented with a suggested month-long list of activities. There are interesting quotations for each virtue, a definition of each, and particular stories from Mr. Bennett’s books for each virtue (with page numbers, a real boon for busy moms). Additionally, Mrs. Speach recommends Scripture selections and books (both good secular books and specifically Catholic books) to be read in conjunction with the virtue under discussion. This is a thorough resource, with age-level recommendations for all her selections. It even has writing and enrichment activities for each virtue, including a number of art appreciation projects. This is a program worth getting; the reading recommendations make it a valuable resource all by themselves.
One more resource is a video series from an organization called Families of Character. They pick a virtue for a month, have a video about that virtue, and will send out weekly emails with suggestions for how to work on that virtue.
Practical Tips for Character Training
It is true for our children, just as it is for ourselves, that when we begin to undertake character training in a formal way we need to first analyze the presently existing situation, think about the goals we want to accomplish, both short and long term, and then divide and conquer.
The first step is to analyze the situation. In addition to thinking about the general stage of development of this child, we need to remember that each child is unique, born with a specific temperament, and the accompanying inclinations. Some children are inclined to be generous from the beginning; they have a natural aptitude for this virtue. However, such children may well lack an inclination to the virtue of order. Others might tend to be grasping, or greedy, but find it easy to keep their room (and others’) spic and span (which, in a large family, really is a virtue).
Look at the list of virtues you are thinking about and compare each of your children to that list. Is George patient, just, perseverant, etc? How about Jack? Get a fairly clear picture of where it is you are starting with each particular child. Then realize that character builds on temperament. Temperament is the material out of which character is made.
We want all of our children to have all the virtues, but each child’s natural inclinations have to be taken into account in determining the plan to follow in accomplishing that goal. For example, if you have a child who is naturally sensitive, generous, and forgiving, but not industrious or orderly, you will need to focus on specific tasks involving perseverance in a difficult task, and creating and maintaining order. For this child it will be important to insist that his bedroom be picked up regularly, and that he not stop an assigned task until it is completed. You will think about tasks that can be given that will require industry and order. On the other hand, because he is already inclined to think about the feelings of others, your job with respect to those virtues will be to notice and praise his good actions, but not necessarily to set up the situation that will require those responses.
Your knowledge of your child’s temperament also will give you insight into which virtues to work on now and which ones to focus on later, and which ones will be a constant project. For example, character formation for a child who is naturally a night owl and constantly oversleeps in the morning probably will focus on self-discipline (in order to get to bed on time and lessen the likelihood of oversleeping) and in the long term on prudence - understanding the long range consequences of choices made today.
After you have made your initial assessment, decide which virtues you want to work on now. If obedience is lacking, that will be first. Otherwise, look at the virtues that are appropriate to the age of your child, and that he or she needs to work on. Don’t try to concentrate on too many at once; it won’t work. Focus on one, or at most two.
Then, especially with older children, talk to the child in question. Look for the appropriate time, when he will be receptive to what you have to say. Begin by telling him what virtue you’d like to see him grow in. Explain what that particular virtue means and ask him to think of ways to exercise it. For example, the child who knows he needs to work on generosity typically thinks of it in terms of sharing his toys. That’s a good place to start, and for younger children that is what should be worked on first. But the older child can be helped to see that generosity extends to time as well and really requires thinking first about others’ needs.
Virtue is a habit, and habit is gained and perfected through repeated action. Look for situations every day that allow the child to exercise the particular virtue you are working on with him. Point out any occasion when he exercises that virtue, and praise him for it. If you notice someone else excelling at that virtue, point that out too, but do it in such a way that you invite your child to rejoice with you at that person’s success. Don’t hold up someone else’s virtuous behavior, and say, “Why can’t you behave that way?” That path invites rebellion and dissatisfaction.
Don’t neglect the immediate consequences approach, either. Say, for example, that your twelve-year-old has started saying, “Aw, I don’t want to,” when you ask him to work in the yard. Tell him that you expect that when he is asked to do something, he will say, “Yes, Mama.” Then give him the positive and negative consequences of doing or not doing what you have asked. Think about what matters to him. For instance, does he like to use the computer? And is there only so much time available for such use? Then tell him that each time he says, “Yes, Mama,” you will add five minutes to his computer time, and each time he says, “Aw, I don’t want to,” he will lose five minutes. Then comes the hardest part. You need to keep it in mind all day long for as long as it takes. I have found that if you are consistent about rewarding and punishing the targeted behavior, it won’t take long to improve. You will probably have to address the problem again, or similar problems, but it can be remedied.
Fostering a Love for the Beautiful
The things I have been suggesting will help you develop virtue in your children. However, teaching the moral virtues is harder than teaching the intellectual virtues. We all know how to teach intellectual virtues or habits of thought; it’s what we do each day in our classes. But the question of how to teach the moral virtues has occupied man as long as there have been men to think about it. The first question of Plato’s Meno is this. Meno asks, “Can you tell me Socrates – is virtue something that can be taught? Or does it come by practice? Or is it neither teaching nor practice that gives it to a man but natural aptitude or something else?” The reason the question arises is because we all have the experience of knowing that something is good and worth doing, and yet not doing it, or knowing that something is bad and shouldn’t be done, and still doing it. In this matter, knowing is clearly not enough.
Meno raises the question, and much of that dialogue is devoted to making the distinctions one needs to answer it. But Plato addresses the question in many other places as well, and one of my favorites is in the Republic. There he tells us that if the soul has in it good, true, beautiful, noble, and heroic images, it will become like those things. Additionally, since whatever is true is also beautiful, an appreciation of the beautiful prepares the way for an appreciation of the true. If children love the beautiful they will love the truth, as truth, when they are older. Thus, even in terms of intellectual formation, fostering the fine arts is important. Socrates, in the Republic, says:
“And further, because omissions and the failure of beauty in things badly made or grown would be most quickly perceived by one who was properly educated in music [‘music’ here includes all the fine arts] , and so, feeling distaste rightly, he would praise beautiful things and take delight in them and receive them into his soul to foster its growth and become himself beautiful and good. The ugly he would rightly disapprove of and hate while still young and yet unable to apprehend the reason, but when reason came the man thus nurtured would be the first to give her welcome, for by this affinity he would know her.”
So we also need to foster in our children a love of the beautiful and true, and a corresponding distaste for what is ugly and false. Children’s sense of beauty can be encouraged in many ways; including beautiful art and music regularly in our curricula is one way. Attention to such things will aid in the kind of intellectual formation that is the object of a classical education, because it will support the intellectual virtues. We now have the beautiful MODG Art books to help us with this, and suggestions in the syllabi with ways to use them. You can also go to art museums, after the students are prepared to go. First get reproductions of the beautiful pictures in the museum, become thoroughly familiar with them, and then, when you go to the museum, have a “treasure hunt”, looking for those particular pictures. It’s fun.
Read great literature, literature that encourages the children to see and admire the noble, which is beautiful in its own way. In MODG we are working on Book Trees right now. They are lists of books built around our book club offerings. The idea is that if your child liked that book, then maybe he will like these. Good literature teaches by example, and by moving the heart and will of the reader to love the good. Both intellect and will must be rightly ordered. Such books will have a clear delineation between good and evil. Bill Bennet’s Book of Virtues and The Moral Compass are useful, but so are many of the classic children’s literature books. Hans Brinker and the Silver Skates, The Secret Garden, The Little Princess, Pollyanna, The Girl of the Limberlost, Horatius at the Bridge, The Selfish Giant, The Lion in the Gateway, The Gifts of the Child Christ, Sense and Sensibility, The Little Lame Prince, A Tale of Two Cities; one could go on and on. Also the books that are specifically about those who have lived for Christ, the saints and heroic Christian figures, are helpful. It is important for our goal of classical education that our children have this cloud of witnesses to the truth in front of their eyes, lighting their way on the path to contemplation of God, the goal of classical education. Beautiful poetry should also be included in the curriculum, as it moves the emotions rightly, in accord with right reason. My anthology of poetry, The Harp and Laurel Wreath, has many such poems in it. But perhaps most importantly in this line there is the question of music.
The thing about music is that people seem to have a real need for it. If one is not exposed to beautiful art, chances are good that he just won’t develop an appreciation of art. He is unlikely to develop an appreciation for ugly art (it seems to take real training to do that). Or if he doesn’t read great literature, he will not necessarily gravitate to trashy reading. But if one doesn’t develop an appreciation for the beautiful in music, he will almost certainly develop a love for ugly music.
Unfortunately, in our culture, there is a pervasive use of ugly music that makes it harder to bring children to an appreciation of truly great music. We are all exposed, day in and day out, to rock and rap and punk and whatever other kinds of music. Older children who have not been exposed to classical music from the beginning will have to learn to like it. It is more complex and therefore more demanding than much of what they are used to hearing.
In my experience, a regular exposure to good music when children are young leads to a love of classical music when they are older. They develop favorites among composers and their works, and listen regularly to music they choose. As with art, field trips to the ‘real thing’ are very helpful in developing appreciation. Look for live concerts to go to, and prepare for the event by listening to the music ahead of time. Then the children will have the pleasure of recognition added to the experience of listening to fine music well-performed.
I’d like to point out another interesting facet of this, what I think is a reason for the fact that loving the beautiful and hating the ugly prepares one to love the truth as truth. This reason is that the good, the true, and the beautiful are all aspects of one and the same reality. If something is good, it is beautiful, for it will necessarily have the qualities that make something beautiful. Similarly, if something is true, it is beautiful, for it will have all the qualities that make something beautiful. Beautiful art is good and true as well as beautiful. Beautiful music is similarly good and true. Both of these art forms move the mind and heart rightly, so that they are working together in the way they are intended by nature. When we sin, they are not working together. The mind knows this is wrong, but the will inclines to it anyway, often because the appetites are pulling in that wrong direction. What we are trying to accomplish with a wide exposure to the beautiful, and thus to the good and the true, is that the mind, will, and appetites will be formed in such a way as to work together toward the right ends.
All of these activities involving the beautiful require leisure, for none of these can be comprehended hurriedly. Our curriculum, dedicated to learning about the highest things in the right order, has to allow children time to absorb into their souls the true, the good, and the beautiful. We want them to come to a true appreciation of these things. To do that there has to be a kind of correspondence between the object and the soul of the student. Anybody can learn to recognize particular pictures or pieces of music or works of literature. But to appreciate them there has to be reflection of the mind, and that requires time. We are a goal-oriented society, and there are many good things about that. But we mustn’t let the cultural norms interfere with the contemplation of the beautiful that leads the soul to love of it.
The Importance of Good Example and Imitation
Now, of course, one becomes virtuous by doing virtuous acts; for example, one becomes temperate by refraining from too much food, or by eating as much as one should even if not interested, in other words, by acting temperately. But most of us have to be led to such actions. Good example, in literature and from direct experience, and instruction can lead one to virtue, as can suitable punishment for wrongdoing. Such measures will not cause virtue, however, in and of themselves, but they can dispose one to virtue.
Partly this is because imitation is natural to man because of his composite nature. This brings us to another consideration: it is apparent that two virtues that are extremely important in homeschooling are self-control and self-discipline. I mentioned them earlier. These are areas that our children need to learn, and I’m sorry to say that the most effective way of teaching them seems to be good example. When frustrated with the children or feeling the pressure of time constraints, we are tempted to react in ways that are not models of right behavior. For myself, it is this consideration itself that I have found most helpful. I don’t want my children to think that the appropriate response to stress is to snarl, or that unwelcome but necessary tasks can just be neglected. I try to say to myself, “If this were Margaret, Theresa, John, Rachel, James, or Richard, what would I want them to do?” Whatever behavior I would like to see in them is the behavior I better model now, otherwise I’ll never see it in them.
Here are a few general considerations that may also help you achieve your goal. I asked a young mother, who has done a really outstanding job with her young children, what her advice would be with regard to character formation. She said that there is no question that consistency is of utmost importance, which is one reason why the character formation of our children requires our own character formation as well. Additionally, she said, parents need to present a united front, which also requires a formation in us that should be there anyway, but benefits from the additional motivation. Further, remember to be nice to your children when discussing virtue, rather than confrontational, because your results are much more likely to be positive that way. Show your respect for them and their feelings, without in any way compromising your principles. Lastly, be clear about what you want.
I find that we all, moms and students, need to be able to focus, to dedicate ourselves for a reasonable amount of time to the task at hand. If your children see you do it, they learn that is what is expected, and if they don’t, they won’t. My best advice for working on our own formation is twofold. First it requires prayer, dedicated prayer. Ask Jesus to enlighten you about what is most important in your own life. Then, especially if one of your children needs special prayer for a difficulty, talk to him or her about your goal and form a prayer buddy club. I have done that and praying together really helps. Second, it requires the same kind of analysis and attention to the virtues you want to acquire as what we were talking about with respect to the children. Think about what virtues you would really like to work on in yourself. What would make your school days go more smoothly? Cheerfulness? Charity? Focused attention? Think about it. Then pick one to work on. If you pick too many, it won’t work. Pick one. Then think about the last time you failed in that virtue. What could you have done differently?
This is a technique that one of my moms told me about. It can be helpful when a child is struggling with virtue, too, but I find it helpful myself. It is sometimes called ‘cognitive retraining'. Remember what happened and ask yourself what could have been done differently. Develop a different set of responses to the kind of situation that was a trigger for the bad behavior. That way, when the situation comes up again, you will have a different set of behaviors ready to go (maybe not immediately, but eventually). Make this virtue, that you are specifically working on, part of your examination of conscience each night. Give it focused attention and you will find that you gradually improve. Then pick another virtue to work on.
I would like to point out at this juncture that I don’t know any perfect children, or perfect adults, and I myself am very grateful that I am a Catholic, because I can regularly leave the past behind and look forward by virtue of the sacrament of Penance.
Our Relationships with our Children
Since all education involves relationship, I would like to talk about the relationship we have with our children a bit.
In our pursuit of wisdom, in our classical education curricula, in our pursuit of the good, the true and the beautiful, we have to remember the importance of claiming the hearts of our students. I once asked my older children what they would say about how to form the character of children. I was impressed that they all said the same thing, and they said it independently of one another. They said, “Tell parents to talk to their children.” All of my children have now long graduated from college, but in their education they would occasionally see someone from a good home who seemed not to have internalized the lessons he was taught. It is as though the virtues were only external, imposed by an exterior force, namely the presence of the parent. Once that force was gone, the virtues were also gone.
We want our children to be formed internally, in their hearts. The very best way I know to gain the heart of your children is to talk to them. Enjoy being with them, make an effort to spend time with them that is mutually pleasant. But above all talk to them, and don’t talk ‘at’ them.
The time and conversation we give to our children is essential in their acquisition of virtue. The best source for our children’s formation is our own explanations of the way we live, why we make the choices we do, and how we view the Church and the world. If, for example, you decide that your children are not going to watch a certain movie, explain to them why not. Say no, but use that opportunity to form their minds with respect to your understanding of what is important.
In my experience, if you do that faithfully, thoughtfully, and regularly, your children come to view the world as you do. They learn the principles of your decisions and make them their own principles. We need to have the hearts of our children. We need to talk to them, and spend time with them. We need to give them the example of moral virtue and of love for and the pursuit of the truth. We need to see their education as the cultivation of both intellectual wisdom and moral virtue arrived at by nourishing them on all that is good. All of this is done in Christ, for it is as Catholics that we do all that we do. Christ is the vine and we are the branches. We are what we are because of our connection to Him.
One last area to consider is the environment in which our children live. While it is true to say that we are what we eat, it is an even more important truth that we are what we see and hear. I have already talked about the value of having beauty in the environment (beautiful art, music and literature). There is the negative side of that, too, though. If our children are watching TV shows with values opposed to our values, they will in some measure pick up those opposed values. Positively, if they are reading stories of the saints, they will pick up the values those saints embodied. If they read classic children’s literature, they will find the values we want to inculcate. The noble actions of characters in stories are a powerful tool in forming our children. Make your environment consistent. If you want your children to internalize the teaching you give them, live it yourself, and make it possible for them to live it by protecting them from the wrong kind of formation.
For the same reasons that our good example is powerful and convincing, the example of others is also persuasive. Good example from good companions will reinforce our teaching, and bad example will tend to erode it.
John, a Thomas Aquinas College graduate who entered religious life, was asked what had pointed him in this direction. John said that his decision was the result of much prayer said on his knees. The emphasis on the phrase ‘on his knees’ struck the questioner, who asked whether praying on the knees was significant. John said it certainly was in his case. He said that when he had come to the college he was not serious about his faith at all. His roommate, on the other hand, said his night prayers on his knees, by his bed, every night. John reported that after a while it had struck him that was probably a good idea and that he should do it too. It was then that he began to consider a religious vocation. Good companions can and do make that kind of difference in the lives of our children, so we want to provide an environment for our children that includes good companions.
We also need to make sure we make opportunities for our children to successfully make good choices, in every area, and we need to praise them when they do. Often we don’t notice when our children do what they ought, because it just enables us to get on with what we need to get done. We only notice when the children do something wrong and we have to stop what we are doing to take care of the situation. But that can be a real problem, as it doesn’t give much incentive for being good. Further, it gives a large incentive for being bad, because being bad is what gets attention. We need to make sure we notice when our children are doing the right thing, and praise them for it.
Lastly, and most importantly, pray for your children. Pray for them individually, in front of the Blessed Sacrament, if you can. Talk each child over with God. He will enlighten you if you ask Him. When St. Monica was worrying about St. Augustine (with good reason), she complained to a bishop, probably St. Ambrose, that her son wouldn’t listen to her. The bishop replied, “Speak less to Augustine about God, and more to God about Augustine.”
I would like to suggest, too, that we make an effort to get to daily Mass with our children. I want to tell you a little story about my experience in this area. In 1983 my good friend, Norman DeSilva, was diagnosed with a brain tumor. My husband and I decided to go to daily Mass with the whole family to pray for our friend. We had been going, one or another of the two of us, pretty often, though not daily, but we hadn’t been taking everyone. During the school year it wasn’t a problem. We went to early Mass, 6:30 am, and just scooped the baby up from the crib and took her in her pajamas. The other children had their clothes ready to go, and they were too sleepy to protest. Then summer came.
We started going to a later Mass as we just didn’t need to get up quite so early. The children, who hadn’t minded going first thing in the morning, started complaining about having to stop their play. I began to wonder if I was making a mistake. I asked various people in my community what they thought. Should I make the children go to daily Mass? Would they hate it, and me, because I made them? Most of the people I talked to, in fact, all of the people I talked to, said I shouldn’t make them go. I could offer them the opportunity, but I shouldn’t make them.
My husband I thought and prayed about that. Then we decided what our family policy would be. I said to my children, “Here is the deal. From this point on you are not allowed to complain about going to Mass. It’s a gift that we can go. There are people all over the world who can’t. There have been people, and there still are, who risk their lives to go to Mass. All we have to do is get in the car and drive seven minutes. So, from now on, no complaints. I want you to love to go to Mass, but I can’t make you love it. I can tell you, though, that you are not allowed to complain about it.”
They stopped complaining. And we went to daily Mass together for as long as they were homeschooling and lived at home. They are all grown up now, but they all think that daily Mass is important, and they are all faithful Catholics.
The path to virtue is difficult, requiring a strong will, both on the part of the parent and the child. (Those of you who have been blessed with a “strong-willed child” should take heart. In the long run, a strong will is a great asset.) But the results of taking up your cross daily, in the pursuit of virtue for your children (and yourself) is gratifying. As your children get older, they become pleasant adult companions, ready to share the daily duties of life, fellow inhabitants of the invisible City of God we all belong to.
In Scripture God tells us that we should train up a child in the way he will go, and when he is old he will not depart from it. We must see the overwhelming importance of our role as educators of our children, both in terms of their intellectual and their moral formation, and give ourselves wholeheartedly to this task. This will not provide us with a life of easy luxury, but it will provide us with a life-work deserving of the expenditure of all our gifts.