Estimated reading time - 5 minutes. 

Reliance on the teen’s gifts is helpful in dealing with a reluctant teen. When you go with your teen to Holy Hour, thank him for his protection and time. It’s important that the teen see that he is needed and that he has successfully met the need. In general, teens respond, as do all people, to appreciation, and to knowledge that they are important contributors to the common good. Ask your son to lift the heavy items for you, and tell him how glad you are that he is big and strong. Ask you daughter to help you with dinner, and tell her that she makes better bread than you ever did. Be as appreciative of your child’s help as you would be of a non-family member’s.

In my experience, most teens have a special interest, or a special gift. Use it. If he or she is really good at and knowledgeable about history, let her teach the younger children about history. If he or she is really good at art, have her teach you what she knows. My experience is that if you are willing to be taught something by your teen, he is much more willing to be taught something by you. Also, just the fact that you are interested in their interests will help your relationship.

There are a few other items I have found, either in my own house, with my own children, or among the families with whom I consult, that make a big difference in homeschooling adolescents successfully.

First, while it is true that you have to change your mode to a more dialectic mode from the way you directed them when they were young, because they need to know that their views are being considered, it is still true that you have to be confident in your judgments, and when you are explaining, laying out your deliberation and your heart, you have to do it with conviction. Teenage children still want a leader.

One of the problems I hear about from moms dealing with reluctant adolescents is the amount of arguing they have to put up with. What I have to say about that sounds a bit paradoxical, but like Chesterton’s paradoxes, it is true.

Remember that the adolescent is, by nature, developing his analytic ability. Seventh through ninth grade students, and beyond, are able to see and understand arguments. The child who a year or so ago couldn’t for the life of him tell you the main point of the story, but had to start at the beginning and move through to the end, telling you every detail, every time, is now suddenly able to spot the theme of a work, and ferret out the author’s point of view. This change in ability is as natural a step for the student as learning to crawl is for the baby.

Even though it might be a bit inconvenient when one’s stationary baby starts to move about on all fours, we mothers never say, ”Oh, no, baby, don’t move. Stay put. Don’t learn to crawl.” Rather we rejoice in this step to the next stage of physical ability. Similarly, when one’s adolescent suddenly develops an intense interest in argument, we should rejoice, for this is a sign that he is moving into the next stage of intellectual formation. This is a good thing.

We don’t want to have him arguing with us and our rules, that’s true. But we really do what him to learn to think, and to think well. I have found that even a belligerent adolescent arguer can be tamed by an appreciation for his arguments. It may be that when you show that you appreciate the force of his premises, he figures you do after all have an appreciation for and insight into the truth, and therefore should be listened to. Whatever the reason, I have been pleasantly surprised, as have a number of the mothers I work with, to find that if you can pay attention to the argument, rather than the tone, and say, “That’s a good point, and I want you to know that I will take it into consideration,“ or, “Wow! I never thought of that. I’m glad you brought it up,” you are far more likely to get the attention of the student.

We are inclined to think when the student begins to argue that it is a sign that he has decided to challenge us and our authority. It may end up there, but I don’t think it starts there, and I know that it doesn’t have to develop that way. Remember that the adolescent is interested in argument because of his stage of intellectual formation, not because he wants to challenge you. So rejoice in it.

That doesn’t mean you should allow your student to be rude to you, or to flout your rules. Be clear about your family rules and the consequences of disobedience. Always follow through on those consequences. Children need to know, and want to know, the limits.

However, I have found that if you recognize the student’s need to argue, and his interest in convincing argument, and provide for it in your curriculum, you are far less likely to encounter it in your conversation about your rules. These children want to argue, so give them something you want them to argue about. Have them do apologetics work, or discuss whether William the Conqueror or Harold was the rightful king of England.

I have found that if you can meet the child on his ground, if you can see that he is trying out his understanding of intellectual argument, if you can provide him with topics to argue about, other than your rules, you can move from acrimonious conflicts to interesting discussions.

Thus, my experience is that if you have conversations with your teen in which you share your deliberations, if you remember the importance of habituation, and make clear that you rely on your teen’s gifts, you will be able to turn a reluctant student into a cooperative student. I myself love the teenage years, for I can see my children developing their minds and hearts. They become fellow citizens of the invisible City of God.  Nothing could make me happier.